Poem

When you break a magnet into two pieces, both
pieces still have a north and a south pole.

Maybe we are like that, my dear, and
No matter how many times people
separate us, we will always find our
perfect opposites in the other person's bones.

You are my compass needle, you are my home.

Poem

If you asked to see my scars
I wouldn't pull up my sleeves
and show you my arms.

I would reach down my throat
and pull out my heart
to show you all the nicks
and cuts
which have all but healed

I would ask you to count them
My heart in your hands,
then maybe you'll realize
that there's one for every time
i needed you
and you were absent
from the world.

Poem

And in the mornings, i
would look into the mirrors
and look at my crooked nose, and say "he doesn't love you".

And the mirror would smile wanly and
i'd step into the shower and look down
to my toes, over the slow hill of my stomach and
i did not cry, just rubbed soap over all
the parts that hurt, and say "he doesn't love you"

But i see you smile again, and you
remove every single bad thought.

And you make me laugh louder than i
knew was possible, you make me feel safe
in the places where i panic, you find adventure in
the simplest things and you make my life
seem so incredibly happy so i go to bed with
a dumb smile on my lips, wondering when i get
to see you again.

And in the mornings after the nightmare i wake
up alone and have to remind myself, "he won't ever love you. he just won't."

Poem

I think that maybe sometimes
you forget that the stranger
next to you on the plane
is trying to hold back
tears and hold together
his head because something
in him is urging him to
fall apart and i think
sometimes you forget
that we all have
scars that are not visible
and not painted
on their arms like mine
and i think
sometimes we forget
that the past is so
painful but so is
the future.

So this poem is pretty dark and deep. It talks about the unfortunate thing that is depression. If this is a sore topic for you, i would recommend not reading.


Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say goodbye.

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact on the floor.

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
to go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week.

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
because you cannot convince your body
that it is capable of movement.

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are 'trapped' and 'drowning' and 'i swear to God i'm trying'.

Sometimes depression means
that every single bone in your body aches
but you have to keep going through the motions
because you care not allowed to call into work depressed.

Sometimes depression means
ignoring every phone call for an entire month
because yes, they have the right number,
but you're not the person they're looking for. Not anymore.

I'm not really sure how to start this one, all my witty beginnings are gone. #brainfart. Just kidding. So.. who wants to hear about my crazy day yesterday?? (I'm gonna pretend at least one person raised their hand). Alrighty!! So, yesterday morning. i was in seminary, and we had to switch seats and i was sat next to a girl that i absolutely despise. So that sucks. Then, in second hour, i got to English and i looked down and there was a huuuge rip in the inside thigh of my pants. So i had to go to the bathroom and change into my chef pants form EVIT, and my pants and shirt looked terrible together! And my tablemates made sure to tell me that. -_- little stinkers. So then i had to take a test in my math class next hour. THAT sucked. So then i had lunch. I went to the cafeteria and sat with my friends in there, and really did't feel like talking. Not to mention i am still super bummed about the jayden thing. So i got to EVIT and it wasn't too bad. But i had to make chocolate Ganache. I dipped these balls of chocolate and peanut butter mousse. (it was pretty good.) So i didn't realize until after the bell rang that i got chocolate all over my chef pants. Then i had to get on the bus to go home, and everybody in the back of the bus was making jokes and saying i had gone to the bathroom in my pants and gotten it on the front. And some kids were throwing acorns at my head! There is a bump on my forehead from one. (They threw pretty hard).But one of them was cute so it's okay xD. So. Yeah. Oh and i was having really bad stomach cramps on top of all that. So after dinner last night, my mo dad and i went to get ice cream form cold stone. Well, when we walked in, i saw that the guy i used to talk to that was a complete jerk to me, works there! So yeah that was awkward. But my milkshake was good so it wasn't too bad. So that was my day yesterday! Party, right? Well, i have to go to mutual soon. Mauri was supposed to go with me but i guess not anymore :/ oh well. Well, i'll update some more poems before i go. Toodles!

Poem

I know you're scared right now
Maybe you miss
someone
Maybe your heart hurts a little
or a lot
Or maybe you're not quite sure
of who you are
or what you want
but that feeling you
want back
the one where it doesn't seem
like the whole world is
against you
it's still there
it never really left
and one day you will realize
that the only person
who can find it again
is you.

So i'm going to try to get all my poems on here. Feel free to leave comments on them! Here is another one i wrote.

You know that feeling?
When you're just waiting
waiting to get home, into your room,
close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you
kept in all day.
That feeling of both relief
and desperation
nothing is wrong
but nothing is right either
and you're tired
tired of everything, tired of nothing
and you just want some one to
be there and tell you it's ok
but no one's going to be there
and you know you have to be
strong
for yourself. Because no one can
fix you
but you're tired of waiting
Tired of being the one to have to fix
yourself and everyone else
tired of being strong
and for once, you just want it to be
easy
to be simple. to be helped. to be
saved
but you know you won't be
but you're still hoping
and you're still wishing
and you're still staying strong and
fighting
with tears in your eyes,
you're fighting.

Hello, all. Opinion time. Am i wrong for not wanting to give up on Jayden? I genuinely feel like he is the guy I'm supposed to grow old with. But if he doesn't feel the same way, then i don't want to keep holding on if he doesn't feel the same way. But love isn't supposed to be something you give up on, right? If you really feel like it should work? I'm so conflicted. UGH life. I wish there was some way to just know if he is the one. I need to know if he is the right one. I need to know if i'm just wasting time. There is just so much going on in my head. I wish he were here to talk it all out with me. I think what hurts the most is that he made this huge deal about wanting me to wait for him while he's gone, and how he wants someone to come home to. And now he is saying i need to move on. Like, what the heck?? i have every right to be confused, don't i? *sigh* Well, if you feel like it, please comment and give me advice as to what the heck i should do.

I wrote this poem about Jayden when i first met him

Poem

I've met this new guy
he's mysterious and sweet
me makes me feel new feelings
and makes my dead and broken heart beat.

He is just like me
been thrown around and scarred
maybe he could be my escape
it surely couldn't be that hard.

He knows my past
We have the same fears
We share our inner demons
We've been haunted through the years.

For us, things have gone wrong,
and things have gone right
but we will make it through
with our hands clasped so tight.

We've survived this long
no point in giving up now
you have opened my eyes
and i still wonder how.

Should i take this chance
wear my heart on my sleeve?
Put my heart on the line
For him to take or leave?

I guess i'll have to wait and take my chances
see where this door leads me
maybe this will be my chance to be set free?
All i can do is hope and believe.

Poem


I am the girl who
cannot love herself
but i will love you
with all that i have.

i am the girl who
cannot fix herself
but i will make sure
you never break.

i am the girl who
wants to die but i
will spend my life
keeping you alive and safe.

i am the girl who
harms herself but
i would never do a
thing to hurt you.

I am the girl who
is always a second
choice but you're
always first to me.

I am the girl who
you'll regret leaving
because i never
would've left you.

This blog post coming live from the dark corner of my room. I'm back. So, earlier today, i got an email from jayden. Well, to sum things up, he said that i need to move on and stop talking to him completely. Oh, you heard that sound? Yeah, that was the sound of my heart breaking. Again. I have lots of ideas for poems flying through my head, so i guess i'll do the only thing i'm good at; Writing.

I'm back to where i began;

sitting in my dark room all alone,

With memories clouding my brain,

And sad music paying form my phone

There's this void in my chest;

I feel completely broken,

Those words of despair

Not dared to be spoken.

My heart is like an egg, 

That has been cracked one too many times,

by those who came but decided to leave,

It has just made me unwind.

With each word thrown at me

Each hurting a little more than the last

Each leaves a little crack,

From now and from the past.

I'm like an anchor,

slowly sinking to the depths of the sea

I see divers all breathing around

and they all confuse me what what i used to be.

I used to be free,

I used to lay in the grass,

I used to make shapes out of clouds

And breathe and relax and laugh.

Now the only noise I make

Is the wheezing from my lungs

Each breath barely audible

And each slipping past my tongue.

The only feeling i know

is agonizing pain and sorrow,

from the times when people have taken bits of my heart

However their intent wasn't to borrow.

By opening myself to others

i'm leaving room for disappointment

Allowing them to use me

Except i never knew what that meant.

Now i know

Opening myself means giving them a gun

And having them point it at my head

Trusting that they wont pull the trigger

But them holding it until their hand turns red.

This feeling is like 

he not only pulled the trigger,

but he killed any chance

Of my heart and our love growing bigger.

So my advice to you?

Be careful who you trust,

You never know when

You'll be blown away in the wind like dust.

Hey all! Me again. Currently I am sitting on a bus, on my way to my second school. (Yes, I go to two schools). I am waiting for Jayden to write me. I just watched this video this girl recommended to me: "don't hug me I'm scared". Yeah,I highly recommend NOT watching it. And if you feel so inclined to do so, don't come crying to me when you're scarred for life. So right now I'm listening to " Fidelity " by Jasmine Thompson. Good song. I hope I get an email from him soon. He didn't email last week, so I'm hoping he does today. I'll let you know if he does! So enough about me, how are you all doing? I hope you're great! Oh! So I made cookies last night! they are really yummy. For those of you who are hungry, my apologies. Man, it is crazy how music can effect your mood. The song "fix you" by coldplay. Yeah, this one brings up memories. Ex's: who needs em, right? Yeah. Do you ever feel really alone? Like, you're surrounded by people, and they're talking to you, but some part of you can't help but feel like it wouldn't make a difference if you were there or not? It's like you're an inconvenience. Everyone's lives would be better without you in them.
I know I'm not the only person who feels this way. Sometimes it's easier for you to just lay on bed, and cry, and feel bad for yourself. Trust me, I'm the queen of pity parties. But I promise you that no matter where you go wrong in life, no matter what you're going through, you will be okay. Okay? Here is poem that might help you when you're missing someone who has left you.

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn, and you learn,
With every goodbye you learn.

Have a good day, my loves :) remember, you can get through this. And I'll be here to help you through it.

Well, i should probably put some information about me. I'm not just some crazy person who found a laptop and decided to post a bunch of poems. My name is Mackenzie. I live in Arizona, have for a few years. I have a family of 7. I have 2 best friends, and one friend. (yeah, he's not a best friend, so-to-say), First, there is Jayden. He is currently serving a mission in Billings, Montana. He had been gone since August 19th: the day my life ended. Just kidding. (Maybe). As some of you may wondering, yes, we dated. For a few months before he left. And as you may have guessed, when he left, he took a piece of my heart with him. I feel empty without him. So lots of my poems are about him. I write to express my feelings, because it is easier to put the words onto paper, than it is to get them out of my mouth. This is my way of coping. Now, on a happier note, for my other best friend: Mauri. This girl is the light of my life (not to sound cheesy or anything). But i would be nowhere without her. She doesn't even know how much i need her. However, she was just called as a ward missionary for her ward. (Her too?? I know right?)  Which means that it is like leaving for 2 years to go out of state, but she will be staying home and doing what a regular missionary would do. But, this means she will be super busy. So i'm going to be on this blog a loooot. Now, for my friend: Xander. He is alright. Pretty crazy. And he is leaving on his mission soon! (Seeing a reoccurring pattern here?) Soo hurray for all of your friends leaving you! Again, kidding. (Maybe). Well, enough about me. time for some poems! Until next time!

Well, it must be that time! Time to crawl out of the dark corner of my room, and put some of my poems out there! Forewarning, some of them can get to be kinda deep, so i'll start out with something simple.

I had to write this one for an assignment for English class. The topic was to write a poem using personification, and the weather. Here goes nothing.

I can hear it drop,
I can hear it pound,
the soft yet heavy thudding
of the rain upon the ground.

So calming and so peaceful,
Yet, so heart-breaking,
For all of the memories
In the making.

It builds you up
While it tears you down,
Gives you reason to believe
There is no reason to frown.

It can be joyful;
the highlight of your day,
then in the very next moment,
It's all thrown away.

 As it begins to fall heavy,
You can laugh and dance around
Then next thing you know
You find yourself laying there on the ground.

You lay there emotionless
As the each drops dims the light,
With no words to say
you lose the will to fight.

Your thoughts overwhelm you
As the tears fall down your face,
And each mixes with the rain
Leaving not a trace.

You soon can't decipher
between your breaths and the wind
As your body lies there still
And the darkness wins.