Poem

I know you're scared right now
Maybe you miss
someone
Maybe your heart hurts a little
or a lot
Or maybe you're not quite sure
of who you are
or what you want
but that feeling you
want back
the one where it doesn't seem
like the whole world is
against you
it's still there
it never really left
and one day you will realize
that the only person
who can find it again
is you.

So i'm going to try to get all my poems on here. Feel free to leave comments on them! Here is another one i wrote.

You know that feeling?
When you're just waiting
waiting to get home, into your room,
close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you
kept in all day.
That feeling of both relief
and desperation
nothing is wrong
but nothing is right either
and you're tired
tired of everything, tired of nothing
and you just want some one to
be there and tell you it's ok
but no one's going to be there
and you know you have to be
strong
for yourself. Because no one can
fix you
but you're tired of waiting
Tired of being the one to have to fix
yourself and everyone else
tired of being strong
and for once, you just want it to be
easy
to be simple. to be helped. to be
saved
but you know you won't be
but you're still hoping
and you're still wishing
and you're still staying strong and
fighting
with tears in your eyes,
you're fighting.

Hello, all. Opinion time. Am i wrong for not wanting to give up on Jayden? I genuinely feel like he is the guy I'm supposed to grow old with. But if he doesn't feel the same way, then i don't want to keep holding on if he doesn't feel the same way. But love isn't supposed to be something you give up on, right? If you really feel like it should work? I'm so conflicted. UGH life. I wish there was some way to just know if he is the one. I need to know if he is the right one. I need to know if i'm just wasting time. There is just so much going on in my head. I wish he were here to talk it all out with me. I think what hurts the most is that he made this huge deal about wanting me to wait for him while he's gone, and how he wants someone to come home to. And now he is saying i need to move on. Like, what the heck?? i have every right to be confused, don't i? *sigh* Well, if you feel like it, please comment and give me advice as to what the heck i should do.

I wrote this poem about Jayden when i first met him

Poem

I've met this new guy
he's mysterious and sweet
me makes me feel new feelings
and makes my dead and broken heart beat.

He is just like me
been thrown around and scarred
maybe he could be my escape
it surely couldn't be that hard.

He knows my past
We have the same fears
We share our inner demons
We've been haunted through the years.

For us, things have gone wrong,
and things have gone right
but we will make it through
with our hands clasped so tight.

We've survived this long
no point in giving up now
you have opened my eyes
and i still wonder how.

Should i take this chance
wear my heart on my sleeve?
Put my heart on the line
For him to take or leave?

I guess i'll have to wait and take my chances
see where this door leads me
maybe this will be my chance to be set free?
All i can do is hope and believe.

Poem


I am the girl who
cannot love herself
but i will love you
with all that i have.

i am the girl who
cannot fix herself
but i will make sure
you never break.

i am the girl who
wants to die but i
will spend my life
keeping you alive and safe.

i am the girl who
harms herself but
i would never do a
thing to hurt you.

I am the girl who
is always a second
choice but you're
always first to me.

I am the girl who
you'll regret leaving
because i never
would've left you.

This blog post coming live from the dark corner of my room. I'm back. So, earlier today, i got an email from jayden. Well, to sum things up, he said that i need to move on and stop talking to him completely. Oh, you heard that sound? Yeah, that was the sound of my heart breaking. Again. I have lots of ideas for poems flying through my head, so i guess i'll do the only thing i'm good at; Writing.

I'm back to where i began;

sitting in my dark room all alone,

With memories clouding my brain,

And sad music paying form my phone

There's this void in my chest;

I feel completely broken,

Those words of despair

Not dared to be spoken.

My heart is like an egg, 

That has been cracked one too many times,

by those who came but decided to leave,

It has just made me unwind.

With each word thrown at me

Each hurting a little more than the last

Each leaves a little crack,

From now and from the past.

I'm like an anchor,

slowly sinking to the depths of the sea

I see divers all breathing around

and they all confuse me what what i used to be.

I used to be free,

I used to lay in the grass,

I used to make shapes out of clouds

And breathe and relax and laugh.

Now the only noise I make

Is the wheezing from my lungs

Each breath barely audible

And each slipping past my tongue.

The only feeling i know

is agonizing pain and sorrow,

from the times when people have taken bits of my heart

However their intent wasn't to borrow.

By opening myself to others

i'm leaving room for disappointment

Allowing them to use me

Except i never knew what that meant.

Now i know

Opening myself means giving them a gun

And having them point it at my head

Trusting that they wont pull the trigger

But them holding it until their hand turns red.

This feeling is like 

he not only pulled the trigger,

but he killed any chance

Of my heart and our love growing bigger.

So my advice to you?

Be careful who you trust,

You never know when

You'll be blown away in the wind like dust.

Hey all! Me again. Currently I am sitting on a bus, on my way to my second school. (Yes, I go to two schools). I am waiting for Jayden to write me. I just watched this video this girl recommended to me: "don't hug me I'm scared". Yeah,I highly recommend NOT watching it. And if you feel so inclined to do so, don't come crying to me when you're scarred for life. So right now I'm listening to " Fidelity " by Jasmine Thompson. Good song. I hope I get an email from him soon. He didn't email last week, so I'm hoping he does today. I'll let you know if he does! So enough about me, how are you all doing? I hope you're great! Oh! So I made cookies last night! they are really yummy. For those of you who are hungry, my apologies. Man, it is crazy how music can effect your mood. The song "fix you" by coldplay. Yeah, this one brings up memories. Ex's: who needs em, right? Yeah. Do you ever feel really alone? Like, you're surrounded by people, and they're talking to you, but some part of you can't help but feel like it wouldn't make a difference if you were there or not? It's like you're an inconvenience. Everyone's lives would be better without you in them.
I know I'm not the only person who feels this way. Sometimes it's easier for you to just lay on bed, and cry, and feel bad for yourself. Trust me, I'm the queen of pity parties. But I promise you that no matter where you go wrong in life, no matter what you're going through, you will be okay. Okay? Here is poem that might help you when you're missing someone who has left you.

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn, and you learn,
With every goodbye you learn.

Have a good day, my loves :) remember, you can get through this. And I'll be here to help you through it.

Well, i should probably put some information about me. I'm not just some crazy person who found a laptop and decided to post a bunch of poems. My name is Mackenzie. I live in Arizona, have for a few years. I have a family of 7. I have 2 best friends, and one friend. (yeah, he's not a best friend, so-to-say), First, there is Jayden. He is currently serving a mission in Billings, Montana. He had been gone since August 19th: the day my life ended. Just kidding. (Maybe). As some of you may wondering, yes, we dated. For a few months before he left. And as you may have guessed, when he left, he took a piece of my heart with him. I feel empty without him. So lots of my poems are about him. I write to express my feelings, because it is easier to put the words onto paper, than it is to get them out of my mouth. This is my way of coping. Now, on a happier note, for my other best friend: Mauri. This girl is the light of my life (not to sound cheesy or anything). But i would be nowhere without her. She doesn't even know how much i need her. However, she was just called as a ward missionary for her ward. (Her too?? I know right?)  Which means that it is like leaving for 2 years to go out of state, but she will be staying home and doing what a regular missionary would do. But, this means she will be super busy. So i'm going to be on this blog a loooot. Now, for my friend: Xander. He is alright. Pretty crazy. And he is leaving on his mission soon! (Seeing a reoccurring pattern here?) Soo hurray for all of your friends leaving you! Again, kidding. (Maybe). Well, enough about me. time for some poems! Until next time!

Well, it must be that time! Time to crawl out of the dark corner of my room, and put some of my poems out there! Forewarning, some of them can get to be kinda deep, so i'll start out with something simple.

I had to write this one for an assignment for English class. The topic was to write a poem using personification, and the weather. Here goes nothing.

I can hear it drop,
I can hear it pound,
the soft yet heavy thudding
of the rain upon the ground.

So calming and so peaceful,
Yet, so heart-breaking,
For all of the memories
In the making.

It builds you up
While it tears you down,
Gives you reason to believe
There is no reason to frown.

It can be joyful;
the highlight of your day,
then in the very next moment,
It's all thrown away.

 As it begins to fall heavy,
You can laugh and dance around
Then next thing you know
You find yourself laying there on the ground.

You lay there emotionless
As the each drops dims the light,
With no words to say
you lose the will to fight.

Your thoughts overwhelm you
As the tears fall down your face,
And each mixes with the rain
Leaving not a trace.

You soon can't decipher
between your breaths and the wind
As your body lies there still
And the darkness wins.